Change is hard to talk about, because people tend to feel personally attacked. They have good reason to feel that way. When we talk about the things we want to do better - at work, socially, or politically - we talk about the behaviours that are no longer OK. These are behaviours people have been actively engaging in, for some time, with good intentions.
At work, that might mean adopting new ways of working, becoming more sustainable, embracing technology or reorganising teams.
At home, that might mean allocating housework more fairly.
Socially, that might mean elevating the concerns and progress of marginalised groups.
In each case, it's hard not to feel like the proverbial bad guy, when you've been existing within, supporting and benefiting from the status quo. It's like when you have a new baby, and your mother in law or older relatives start offering you nuggets of wisdom from their child-rearing years that feel borderline abusive.
'Just let the baby scream it out!' they'll urge. 'I fed you solids at 6 weeks,' they'll say proudly. 'Too many cuddles will spoil them and teach them to misbehave' they'll warn sternly. 'I'd have smacked my child for behaving like that,' they'll admonish.
While you might want to express your horror, you generally don't. Why? Because you know they were acting on the advice and wisdom available, doing their best to love and raise their children.
It's not your older relatives who are in the wrong, not individually. In decades past, the systems of knowledge, or lack of, informed how parenting took place.
The same is true at work. It's not the people who've worked there for 20 years who have done the wrong thing. They've been doing their jobs with the best of intentions within the policies, processes, knowledge, and norms your environment requires.
Things change, though. We know better, and then we do better. Whether parenting, work, politics or language, we shift the dial as we learn. It's no longer OK to use culturally appropriated turns of phrase - not because it ever was, but because we understand that now. It's no longer OK to make suggestive comments that make women feel unsafe - not because it ever was, but because we understand safety, violence and sexism differently.
In each of these examples, it's not people who are bad. The systems we exist within encourage behaviour from us that we now understand is bad. I've been trying to remember that recently as I've been deepening my understanding of gender issues. I'm passionate about this, but I often struggle to talk to others without feeling frustrated or hopeless or provoking defensiveness.
Everyone receiving Wednesday Wisdom is a leader - whether in your families, communities, peer groups or at work. That means everyone is responsible for seeking ways to know and do better. You're responsible for creating systems and environments that enable change in others. Getting caught up in pointing fingers is easy, but that's slow, ineffective and unfair.
Instead, use your power and voice to leave things better than you've found them. Look underneath the surface, ask better questions and challenge the systems and environment you're in to produce better behaviour.
Til next week,
A
