A few years ago, I had a client with a secret dream. Carl* was the 37 year old General Manager of a hotel, and he'd built an impressive career from humble beginnings. He never went to university and had worked his way up from the ground floor. Carl told me he’d been lucky and his success was a fluke. He wasn't enjoying his job anymore, but he'd never get another as good as this. Like it or not, he'd have to stay put.
Then he confessed his secret dream: he’d always wanted to be a police officer. Alas, he told me, that ship had sailed. He was resigned as he explained that with a wife and child to support, and a mortgage to pay, it was too late for him to put his ladder against a new wall. Plus, he confided, his brother had been in the police force for 15 years already and he certainly couldn't start below him! It was too late for him now, he told me ruefully.
I almost leapt through the Zoom in frustration. 37 years old and trapped forever?! We needed a chat.
Carl and I teased out some of the stories keeping him stuck - stories I've heard 100 times before - and tackled them one by one.
- Age - The idea of being stuck forever at 37 is astonishing. You've only just started being an adult! Also, you’re actually more likely to succeed in career transitions later in life - check out this old post for some interesting stats.
- Reputation - Few people are paying attention to you and your choices. The ones that are will be unlikely to hold them against you. Fact is: you worked your way here, you can work your way out. With integrity intact, you'll be fine.
- Disaster - When we get comfortable, we can forget how capable and resilient we are. Remember that huge risk you took, or the time you thought everything was f**ked? And how it all turned out OK? You're much smarter and more experienced than you were then, just imagine what you're capable of now.
- Abilities - For Carl to have scrambled to the top of the ladder by 37, he has skills galore. Those aren't going anywhere - but they're also not the skills he started with. He learned them as he went. The idea you will lose what you've developed - or can’t be good at anything else - is preposterous.
- Serendipity - I cannot believe how many high achievers tell me their success is a fluke. In case you need reminding, like Carl did: You deserve to be here. You worked for it. This is not your final chance at success, safety or recognition. You could do it all over again. Stop telling yourself otherwise.
- Comparison - Despite achieving more professional success than many of his friends and family, Carl felt paralysed by the idea of going "backwards." Madness! Comparison - and competition, for that matter - is an unwinnable game. There's always someone better (and worse) off than you, but it's irrelevant. Fulfilment doesn't come from beating the people you love.
It was a big chat and Carl was quiet when we logged off. But at our next session, he arrived grinning from ear to ear. He'd had an honest, boozy night with his wife where he spilled the beans on his dreams. She was wildly supportive and they'd figured out how to manage the money. He was heading to Police College. I nearly cried with delight.
Why am I telling you all this? It’s never too late for you to change. You only get one life and you deserve to make the most of it.
Years later, I've realised how often I say to myself what Carl once said to me. I've been making the transition to "writer-first" for three years, but I still get struck with what Steven Pressfield calls Resistance. When Resistance hits, I think things like: It’s too late now. You can't learn to be good at something new. People expect you to be a certain way. Don't risk it. Just stay put.
Or, maybe the most dangerous: Why can’t you just be happy with what you have?
I’m 37 now, the same age Carl was in those sessions. In the last few years I've noticed a greater reluctance to take risks, more fear about the future, and less confidence or willingness to start over. I notice this in my mid-career friends and colleagues too. At a time in our lives when we have more skills, resources, connections and safety than ever before, we somehow manage to feel more stuck than when we had nothing. These are stories worth challenging.
I’m not telling you to quit your job or start a new life, (though maybe you should.) But you know what wouldn’t hurt? Getting back in touch with the dreams you’ve kept locked away, and giving yourself permission to explore following them.
Sure, you’ll suck to start with. You once sucked at what you’re doing now, too. But you can always start again. Any time you like.
Til next week,
A
*name changed