You have everything you need

Happy Friday!

Welcome to 'Ask Alicia Anything'. This fortnight, I answer three reader questions which surf different parts of the same wave. If you've ever felt overstretched, stuck with a 'safe' choice, or unsure whether you've made the right leap, you might find yourself in here.

I worked on this piece in various locations - a bed, a ferry, the backseat of a car, a basement couch - between Vancouver Island and Seattle, with Nine Inch Nails in my ears. I have included optional song pairings for each section based on my listening.

OK, onto our reader questions!

I'm doing too much but I'm afraid to stop

🎵 Pairs well with Right Where It Belongs

M is a self-described "passionate overachiever". She's juggling responsibilities at home and work, has an active brain and many irons in the fire. Her frenzied pace and scattered focus is affecting her relationship, but she has no idea what to drop.

She writes:

"I love my work. I get all fired up about all the different businesses and work I have on the go, but a fear of stopping keeps me continually stretching to deliver more. I am frightened by the state of the world. I want to live up to my responsibilities, and I know I need to change the amount I am working but I can’t see how. I am supporting a young family. My partner is growing weary of this, and I am paralysed when it comes to putting anything down."

Hello, ambitious high achiever. I see you. I know that griping, roiling feeling compelling you to do it all - RIGHT NOW. I won't talk you out of your ambition or suggest you 'take it easy'. I'm delighted you love your work. Many people have entire careers without ever getting that feeling. That's great.

However, I will tell you - calmly, without judgment - that your current mode has a likely outcome. You will burn out. We only live on adrenaline for so long before our nervous system frays and the rest of our body along with it. It might start with frequent sickness, slow-healing injuries or a rise in mental health 'off days.' These are early flags you can push through. Until you can't. You might be able to carry on this way for another year - maybe even another decade. But it won't last forever. Eventually you will find yourself unwell, catatonic with exhaustion and heavy with ambivalence. Letting things go and people down is easier then.

This sounds like a contradiction to what I said about not talking you out of your ambition, but let me clarify: it isn't your ambition that puts you at risk. Lots of people live happy, healthy lives bursting with different projects and businesses. You needn't narrow your focus to just one thing. That might well be soul death for you. Why should you have to sit in a little box and let your brilliance pass you by? You only get one life and you deserve a sensational one. A life that is full, creative and purposeful. A life that tests and stretches you, where you do things that matter and swell with sweet satisfaction at all you make and do. I want this life for you.

But there is a pulsing current of panic in your message. There is love and joy in the way you talk about your work, but you also say you are frightened and paralysed. These are big words. Fear words. It will be the fear that gets you.

Fear laces the edge of your ambition with a volatile compound. You are chasing something, running from something, or both. Fear is the enemy of clarity. When you're living in survival mode, neither the place you're hurtling toward or the ghoul you're running from are clear. They're vague swirls; fuzzy apparitions.

In fear, your feet itch and your blood pumps. Your body says Run! Quick! Get to the place! No, the other place! Try this! No, this! You grab every idea and opportunity and throw it at the wall. You never get to see what sticks, because your feet are still moving and your eyes still darting around looking for more things to throw.

Every now and again you might find a special thing - a glowing orb that catches your breath, warms your hands and looks too good to just throw. You pause. Is this the one? The fix? The golden egg that will allow you to finally breathe and focus? Did you find the thing worth stopping for?

You don't find out, because you don't have the energy and space to nurture your special thing and let it grow. You don't trust yourself enough to give your best ideas and opportunities what they need to really thrive. How can you? You're afraid, and fear is the opposite of trust. So you keep running and throwing, running and throwing.

The good news is you already have everything you need to make the right choices. You have a wise, clear, adult with all the answers. They know everything about you - what you value most, what you want, what you need, and what to try next. They're a coach, mentor and therapist all in one. A chat with this person will answer those nagging questions - what is a good life, for you? What are your deepest values and truest wishes? Why are you afraid? Where did those worries come from? What should you do with them?

That person is inside of you, waiting patiently for a chat. You can't hear them because they're drowned out by your fear. When you turn the dial down on panic, you will be able to hear them speak.

Two things for you to try