Stop trying to agree with everyone

I've just wrapped up the first of two strategy days with a group of elected members. It's a tough gig.

This Council, like many in New Zealand right now, are charged with making critical decisions for their region under tricky conditions: looming reform, political and institutional uncertainty, and real disagreement along ideological lines.

I don't take on many strategy clients these days, especially with a full writing and training calendar this year. But this work has reminded me of an important lesson: we don't need to agree on everything to make progress.

In rooms like these, agreement is an unachievable (and sometimes undesirable) goal. We want alignment - which often shows up as productive disagreement.

Productive disagreement doesn't come naturally to many of us, especially laidback Kiwis raised to keep the peace. It asks us to sit with opinions we don't like without falling apart, attacking, or capitulating to the loudest voice.

It's tough going, but it's the only way. If we wait for agreement, we stall. Insisting other people adopt our values or belief systems gets us nowhere. We either go round in circles having the same arguments on different terms, or worse: shut down and fake harmony to make it stop.

Real alignment looks very different. It's a tense but respectful room where people who are defined by difference - in values, ideology, or politics - manage to:

Move toward the same big-picture outcomes
Use the same criteria to assess options and make decisions
Argue on the same terms, using the same language
Openly acknowledge and debate trade-offs.

This is bloody hard work. It's not always fun. But the bigger the system you operate in, the more important it becomes.

In large organisations, hundreds, sometimes thousands, of people make decisions every day about how to spend their limited time, money and attention. With clarity on what matters most, people point those choices in the same direction. The cumulative effect can be astonishing.

Without that direction, we drown in a sea of well-intentioned, chaotic effort that contradicts, duplicates, or undermines itself. Time, money and morale tank.

The same principles applies to friendships, families and communities. When we work towards a common goal, and agree how we'll make choices together, we can overcome all kinds of difference - history, personality, motivation, the lot.

If you're locked in a battle of wills in a team, a partnership, or a leadership role, take heart. You don't need to win every argument and your disagreement is not terminal. If you respect the people you're working with, rally around the same big goals, and decide how to decide... the rest will often take care of itself.

Here's another piece on this from a few years ago, if you're interested.